Lightbulbs

At what point did buying lightbulbs become such a problem for me? Because for whatever reason, it's a major pain. Actually that's a trick question, I know when it became a problem - when lightbulbs became way complicated. Let's look at all the different aspects you have to pay attention to:

• Size: Did you know, there are about a million different sizes of lightbulbs? It's not just standard, round, and flood. Oh no. There's oblong, giant size lightbulb, about 30 different cryptically named flood lights (R20, R30, R40, PAR38, BR25), pointy-sized, the crazy ones that come in lamps, the list goes on and on. Then how accurately is your existing bulb labeled? Probably not at all, so you just get to guess at what size you're looking for.


• Type: It's not just your GE kind anymore. In addition to the even more impossibly-complex CFL which we'll get to shortly, there's still your standard type, halogen, and even LED these days.


• Brightness: Thankfully, this one is relatively simple. More wattage is brighter. Right? HAH, not so fast. It's not just wattage, now with CFLs screwing things up. You've got to watch out for Lumens, which is another unit that nobody knows anything about. I even saw at Meijer the other day "new" standard lightbulbs that come in 52 watt versions, which is totally a scam (somehow, it's got to be).


• Color: Generally, lightbulbs come in 3 flavors: standard "soft white", "bright white", and "daylight". Ranging from eye-burningly angry yellow light to a day-at-the-beach slightly blue tint.

And part of my problem, is as a consumer, I expect to be able to find every variation of these lightbulbs. Silly me. Here's what I prefer - in my perfect world, all lightbulbs would be like this:

• CFLs - Yeah, good for the environment, whatever, I like them because they don't burn out and I don't have to buy them as often.


• Bright - Anything under 75 watt only belongs in nightlights. Or whatever that is in Lumens.


• Round, or flood - I understand why you'd need flood lights. For everything else, round. There, done. What else could you possibly need???


• Daylight colored - The daylight colored lightbulbs are SO much more pleasing than the "soft white". Oh man. How have we survived all these years living in such an angry yellow glow? With these lightbulbs in my room, my green pants look green, NOT BROWN!!!

Unfortunately, for so many reasons, we're not in my perfect world. One main problem is that daylight colored lightbulbs are relatively rare, and aren't ever included in sales for whatever reason. And that's standard sized bulbs - if you're looking for a daylight-flavored flood light? Good luck there buddy.

CFLs are expensive. Sometimes they don't turn on right away. Even better, who knows how big a CFL is in comparison to a standard lightbulb? They aren't a standard size at all. There's all kinds of "mini-twists" and "super-mini-twists" that make it who knows what size. So then will it fit in your ceiling light? Who knows, it varies by manufacturer? So you're telling me nobody thought of this before producing these lightbulbs? Come on people. Seriously.

Then there's another x-factor - dimmability. Turns out, most CFLs aren't dimmable. So that sweet dimmer you have installed in your kitchen to impress the ladies? Get ready to pump out 10 bucks a bulb if you want a dimmable CFL. And even then, be prepared to have your retinas burned by angry yellow light, because it hasn't crossed anybody's mind yet to produce dimmable CFLs in daylight yet (much less in flood lights). Oh, so you're going to give up on CFLs and just get some halogen bulbs for your dimmer? HAH, yeah, not safe there either. Watch out, your light bulbs might sound like the Pinconning High School gym and produce the most ridiculous buzzing sound ever! So you can keep your lightbulbs on or off, but anywhere in the middle, get ready for some glorious mosquito-like noises. Awesome.

So as you might have guessed, I'm a little frustrated with lightbulbs. I would tell you the story, but it doesn't even matter anymore. Just know that I made three trips to Menards (which is another story, oh Menards) searching for not just the perfect lightbulb, but just one that works. The perfect lightbulb - I'm not sure it exists. Even Amazon can't find it for me, which is a bad sign. In the meantime, I'm clinging to the few bulbs I've found so far, and continuing the quest for better and brighter bulbs. Although I still don't get why it's so hard.